A New Year's Day movie marathon

If you think about it, it’s actually arbitrary to look at the first of January as an actual fresh start (rather than what it really is: just another day). But in the spirit of the holiday, we’ll go along with the opportunity to reflect on the 365 days that just sped by and resolve to think of ways to be a better person in the coming. Or maybe we’ll just plop on the couch and veg’ in front of the TV.

The irony is that most of us (depending upon what manner and how much we celebrated the night before) are perhaps less motivated on January 1st than any other day of the year. New Year’s Day is a day for not moving anything more than your fingers on the remote control, nor is it a day where you want to tax your brain or stimulate your senses. Cinematically, it’s got no place for subtitles, subtext or sub-woofers.

To aid in this restorative ritual, we offer up a list of five New Year’s movies perfectly suited for recovering from the end of 2004. We promise, nothing too challenging, nothing too disturbing and most importantly, nothing too loud.

200 Cigarettes (1999)
This ensemble piece (featuring such stars as Ben Affleck, Janeane Garofalo, Kate Hudson, Dave Chappelle, Courtney Love, Paul Rudd and Christina Ricci among many more) is set in New York City on New Year’s Eve 1981 as various groups of revelers try to descend upon a party thrown by Martha Plimpton. Presciently anticipating the current 80s revival, this film (the sole directing credit for Risa Bramon Garcia) is light on plot and more than a bit meandering. It’s kinda like “Slacker” with an all-star cast... but its boozy energy and fun cameos (hey, there’s Elvis Costello!) make for a nice brainless diversion.

Ocean’s 11 (1960)
There’s enough holiday revelry in this quintessential Rat Pack opus to make your hangover seem pale in comparison (watch for Shirley MacLaine’s cameo as an amorous young lass whom the bartender should’ve cut off in 1959). Frank Sinatra plays Danny Ocean, an orange-cardiganned bounder who reunites his old army buddies (including Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford) to help in a plan to rob five Las Vegas casinos simultaneously at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. The movie’s a boozy, swaggering machismo-fest, with the Pack lazily sipping cocktails, smooching ladies, smoking cigarettes, playing pool and practical jokes as they ponder how they’ll spend their ill-gotten gains (women, you don’t want to know Deano’s plans). The movie’s main drawback is a rather somber turn of events and a real downer of a twist ending, strangely out of character for this otherwise swingin’ heist flick.

The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
What better way to celebrate New Year’s Eve than on a giant cruise liner, grooving to some lite pop and popping some champagne? Until a giant tidal wave capsizes the ship, leaving it bobbing in the ocean upside down. A diverse group of survivors including a loudmouth cop, a hooker with a heart of gold, a smart aleck kid, a beautiful singer and Shelley Winters are led by a tough preacher (Gene Hackman) as they fight to get to the bottom (now top) of the ship to survive. The quintessential 70s disaster flick (an updated TV movie aired last month and a big budget remake is coming in May) will make you count your blessings. Even if you had a crappy year, at least you’re not entering 2006 drowning in an upside down ocean liner. Cheers.

Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)
Renée Zellweger stars as the plucky heroine of this adaptation of the popular book by Helen Fielding. Slightly overweight, somewhat klutzy and socially inept, unlucky in love, unhappy in her career, Bridget makes a New Year’s Resolution to fix all of that and chronicles the attempt in the titular tome. But Bridget gets off on the wrong foot immediately by ignoring the tried and true rule about not dipping your pen in the company inkwell... or choose another metaphor for the perils of falling in love with a co-worker... especially your cad of a boss! Watching Bridget’s trials and tribulations can be cathartically cleansing, but you have to wonder why the now ex-Mrs. Chesney didn’t heed the lessons of her onscreen alter ego.

Radio Days (1987)
Often dismissed as a trifle, this is Woody Allen’s most nostalgic movie, a loving collection of anecdotes (apocryphal and not) about growing up during World War II. Allen narrates the stories as the adult version of Joe (Seth Green), a boy living in Rockaway NY with his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncle and older cousin. Stories of Joe’s adventures (including watching for Nazi U-Boats and accidentally seeing his teacher dance naked) are interspersed with tales about fictitious radio stars of the time. Meticulous production design and a terrific big band soundtrack (the impetus for the movie) capture the era perfectly. Younger viewers can find themselves feeling nostalgic for a time decades before they were born. (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” fans need to keep their ears peeled for a cameo by Larry David as the communist neighbor who loudly refuses to recognize the Sabbath.)

What makes “Radio Days” a great New Year’s movie (and the capper to our list) is the final scene: Joe and his family celebrate New Year’s 1944 while listening to a swanky party on the radio. The film cuts to the party and ends with the sophisticates clinking champagne on the roof of a Manhattan nightclub as the snow begins to fall. Allen wistfully caps the film by saying (with Kurt Weill’s ode to aging, “September Song” in the background) that as strong as his memories of his youth are, with each passing year, “those voices do seem to grow dimmer... and dimmer.”

It’s so painfully poignant that regardless of whether your memories stretch back fifty years or five, you ache with nostalgia. That can be both the lure and the trap of New Year’s... if you hold on to the past too tightly it can impede moving on with your life, but every once in a while, basking in the past (both owned and borrowed) can be a warm cozy way to spend a day. Happy New Year.
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ORIGINALLY POSTED in REWIND on MTV.COM, December 2005

Revisiting the unfairly reviled 1976 KING KONG

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Ten VROOMiest motorcycle flicks

“The World’s Fastest Indian” isn’t a superhero film positing Gandhi as the Flash, but rather about a refurbished Indian motorcycle that New Zealander Burt Munro (Anthony Hopkins) rides into the land-speed record books. Few vehicles have inspired movies more than the motorcycle; with its inherent image of danger, cool and rebellion, it is the perfect metaphor for bad boys, lone wolves and rebels. Herewith, our top ten Motorcycle Movies!

10) She-Devils on Wheels (1968)
Schlockmeister Herschell Gordon Lewis’ entrant in the Chicks-on-Bikes genre, “She-Devils on Wheels” features the exploits of an all-female motorcycle gang called “The Man-Eaters.” When they’re not using men to sate their urges, they’re dragging them behind their bikes until they’re a bloody mess (just to show who’s boss). When a male biker gang led by a guy with the very non-threatening nickname of “Joe-Boy” challenges their turf, things get head-choppingly ugly.

9) Girl on a Motorcycle (1968)
Also known as “Naked Under Leather,” “Girl on a Motorcycle” is about a conflicted woman named Rebecca (rocker Marianne Faithfull), torn between her husband and her lover. As she tears through the French and German countryside on her Harley, her mind obsesses over the two different relationships with psychedelic intensity... and as any biker will tell you, you GOTTA pay attention when you’ve only got two wheels beneath you.

8) Viva Knievel! (1977)
Not to be confused with the execrable 1971 biopic, “Evel Knievel” starring George Hamilton (!??!) as the legendary stunt cyclist, “Viva Knievel!” stars Evel himself as a moralistic adventurer on the side, battling an evil South American drug lord played by... Leslie Nielsen! No, this was NOT a parody ala “Airplane!,” this was supposed to be an actual action drama. But oh, the melodrama! In one scene, Evel awakens an orphanage full of youngsters in order to give them action figures of himself, and inspires a lad on crutches to walk again!!

7) Quadrophenia (1979)
Hardcore bikers will scoff at the inclusion of this mod opus, as the motorized vehicles herein are technically Vespa Scooters, and not motorcycles, but we thought we’d mix things up a bit. Besides, motorcycles are represented in this film (based on the Who’s 1975 concept album), as the tough rockers’ counterparts to the more stylish mods’ mode of transportation. “Quadrophenia” remains an enthralling glimpse into the frustration of working-class Britain of the 60s as well as the power that music has to define its more rabid listeners.

6) Knightriders (1981)
Zombie-meister George A. Romero took a vacation from the Land of the Dead to make this Hasselhoff-free curiosity, a modern “Camelot” on Hogs. Ed Harris plays King Billy, the leader of a group of motorcycle-riding jousters who tour the County-Fair circuit knocking each other off bikes while clad in medieval armor. Naturally, when the troupe starts to hit it big, the Knights of the Round Table begin to fall apart. While a bit overlong and predictable in its hew to the legend of King Arthur, “Knightriders” contains great performances and some really incredible mace-on-bike action.

5) Psychomania aka The Death Wheelers (1971)
So, let’s say you’re the leader of a biker gang called “The Living Dead” and you suddenly decide that the name is SO COOL, you’ve gotta make it literal. What to do? You enlist the aid of your mom and a frog-worshiping cult to help you die and come back as a Zombie Biker! Now you have to convince the rest of the gang to follow you. C’mon! All the cool kids are doing it!

4) Mad Max (1979)
While the sequel, “The Road Warrior” is a better film, the lower-budget, visceral quality seems to better suit the down and dirty nature of this post-apocalyptic revenge tale. When the family of policeman Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson) is murdered by a biker gang called The Glory Riders, he becomes, well, Mad. Hyper-stylized, modified motorcycles feature into action sequences so spectacular, a helmet should be required just to watch the movie! You can practically smell the burning rubber, oil and, ugh, flesh.

3) The Wild Angels (1966)
Roger Corman directed this rather nihilistic ode to the most famous biker gang of them all. Peter Fonda plays Hell’s Angel Heavenly Blues, who loses his best friend Loser (Bruce Dern) to a police shootout. When the locals won’t allow the Angels to bury Loser (that’s his name, kids), Blues sees red. In the town’s defense, this biker gang isn’t misunderstood... they are just plain bad. Raping, pillaging, you name it. Their credo: "We want to be free to do what we want to do without being hassled by the man! And we want to get loaded!" In fact, co-star Nancy Sinatra would later disown the film for its unrepentant violence. Peter Fonda, of course, would go on to make a far more respected biker film...

2) Easy Rider (1969)
One of the most iconic films of the 60s, “Easy Rider” is the story of Captain America (Peter Fonda) and Billy the Kid (director Dennis Hopper), two hippies who ride choppers from Los Angeles to New Orleans, discovering Jack Nicholson and America along the way. That is, the America of the late 60s, full of counter culturalism, small-mindedness, hate, drugs, hope, despair, beauty and tragedy. And the ending (which we won’t ruin if you haven’t seen it) remains one of the most shocking climaxes in film history.

1) The Wild One (1953)
“The Wild One” slightly edges out “Easy Rider” as the quintessential bike flick because its imagery is more classic. Marlon Brando plays Johnny Strabler, the leader of biker gang The Black Rebels, who invade a sleepy small town after being thrown out of a bike rally for reinforcing bad biker stereotypes. The gang’s brand of disaffected nihilism is classic 50s juvenile delinquency, somewhat quaint by today’s standards, but shocking and undeniably sexy back then. The classic exchange from this movie: Mildred asks, “What are you rebelling against?” to which Johnny replies, “Whattya got?”

It’s amazing to think that the image of the classic motorcycle really hasn’t changed since “The Wild One.” To many, there’s nothing cooler than straddling a Hog and risking life and limb to feel the rush of (relatively) unprotected speed. And while we doubt next year’s “Ghost Rider” will inspire a fad of flaming-wheeled bikes, the motorcycle movie is bound to continue as long as our collective priorities include being cool. Which should be a while.
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ORIGINALLY POSTED in REWIND on MTV.COM, November 2005

Ten ass-kicking movie babes!

In “Aeon Flux,” Charlize Theron gets to fight back against the Man in an entirely different way than she did in 2003’s “Monster” or this year’s “North Country.” Rather than shooting misogynistic Johns or filing sexual harassment suits, she joins the elite ranks of black clad butt kickin’ movie superbabes! In honor of this live action cartoon, we now present our highly subjective top ten list of cinematic women you don’t wanna cross.

10) Selene in “Underworld”
“Underworld” (2003) isn’t a great movie. Heck, it’s not even a good movie. And yet, the promise of the sequel, “Underworld: Evolution” fills us with glee for one reason: the prospect of more footage of a Goth Kate Beckinsale as death-dealing vampire Selene doing battle against the evil Lycans and looking absolutely perfect doing it. A plot would just be gravy.

9) Leeloo in “The Fifth Element”
Luc Besson’s 1997 sci-fi thriller features Milla Jovovich as the titular force, the embodiment of life and love personified as a really cute, reeeeaaaally strong orange-headed girl who teams with a cabbie (Bruce Willis) to battle no less than the force of Evil. While Leeloo is initially clumsy with her powers, we’d feel confident fighting alongside her, even if we’d be constantly distracted by how frickin’ adorable she is.

8) Mystique in “X-Men” and “X2”
There’s nothing more attractive than confidence; A strong sense of self can go a long way in compensating for physical drawbacks such as thinning hair, shortness or, say, being blue with scales all over you. In the “X-Men” movies (2000 and 2003), the Brotherhood of Mutants’ shape-shifting member Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) not only holds her own against the likes of Wolverine, she does so whilst naked! You try fighting an invincible scrapper with adamantium claws while wearing no clothes (and looking great)! Bet you can’t.

7) Xenia Onataopp in “Goldeneye”
Picking just one battlin’ James Bond babe (villain or sidekick) is a difficult task. You’ve got your Pussy Galores, your Honey Riders, your Kissy Suzukis. But if there’s one Bond Babe that we’d both love and hate to tussle with, it’s gotta be Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) from 1995’s “Goldeneye.” This lusty Russian assassin revels in the glory of vanquishing her opponents by crushing them with her mighty thighs...! No more comment.

6) Ursa in “Superman II”
Clad in a black leather jumpsuit with strategically placed slits, Kryptonian villainess Ursa (Sarah Douglas) finds more than liberation in the super powers she gains when released from the Phantom Zone in “Superman II” (1981). She fries snakes with heat vision, arm wrestles rednecks through walls and flattens the Man of Steel with a manhole cover. She also gains super-cattiness, as she slinks into the Daily Planet and, sizing up Lois Lane, sniffs, “What an undemanding male this Superman must be.” Mrowr!

5) Varla in “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”
“Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to violence!” So begins Russ Meyer’s masterpiece, the 1965 feminist manifesto (albeit of the Valerie Solanis variety) “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” Go-go dancing, Jaguar-driving, cat-fighting, man-bashing supervixens Rosa, Billie and Varla aren’t exactly out for vengeance.... they’re just generally angry and bored. But pity the poor straights who get in their way. While all three Pussycats are forces to be reckoned with, it’s the judo-chopping Varla (Tura Satana) who leaves the biggest imprint.

4) Catwoman in “Batman Returns”
No disrespect to Halle Berry.... no, on second thought, ALL disrespect to Halle Berry, as her embarrassing, 2004 fashion-victim Catwoman wouldn’t last five seconds in the litter box with Michelle Pfeiffer’s anti-heroine in 1992’s “Batman Returns.” Master of whips, claws and double-entendres, Selina Kyle has Batman (Michael Keaton) wrapped around her little paw as she fights both male chauvinism and female submissiveness.

3) “Coffy”
Pam Grier never made a movie in which she DIDN’T kick butt in one way or another, but in 1973’s “Coffy,” she’s at the peak of her badassedness. Sent into a frenzy by the OD of her younger sister, Coffy goes on a one woman rampage against dope dealers, pimps and gangsters. In true gritty 70s fashion, the film’s violence is visceral and brutal, and the statuesque Grier towers over the few contemporary female vigilantes of the time. “Coffy” just slightly edges out 1974’s semi-sequel, “Foxy Brown,” in which Grier hides a revolver in.... her afro!

2) Yui Hsui Lien in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”
Martial Arts master Michelle Yeoh has done battle in dozens of films starting with “Yes, Madam” in 1985. But most people know her best asYui Hsui Lien in Ang Lee’s “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (2000). As the majestic Lien, Yeoh projects an ethereal nobility and intense sensuality while being able to soaringly hold her own against anyone wielding a blade.

1) The Bride in “Kill Bill” Volumes 1 & 2
Created by Q & U, Uma Thurman’s vengeance-fueled mad mama Beatrix “the Bride” Kiddo tallies up a higher body count in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” duology than all these other women combined. Whether it’s plucking out Daryl Hannah’s eyeball or facing down a nightclub full of crazy Japanese Yakuza, she’s a lethal weapon with unsurpassed style and humanity whose only weakness is a toy gun fired by her long-lost daughter.

And the list doesn’t stop there. We omitted Ripley from the “Alien” movies, Lara Croft, Elektra, “The Matrix”’s Trinity, “Charlie’s Angels” redux, Buffy, Alice from “Resident Evil,” the prison hellcats of “Caged Heat,” and Barb Wire. Okay, Barb Wire not so much, but it is a PROUD HERITAGE to which we happily add Ms. Theron. She may not get another Oscar for playing Aeon Flux, but she’s won our hearts! Which don’t look nearly as good on a mantel.

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ORIGINALLY POSTED in REWIND on MTV.COM, November 2005