I've Got a Bad Feeling About This... (30 Reasons Why STAR WARS Sucks)

I will speak the heresy: I am a lifelong Geek who doesn’t like “Star Wars.” Oh, sure, as a kid, I was obsessed, I had the toys, the comics, the T-shirts and posters. But over time, with perspective, I’ve come to “trust my feelings” that the Star Wars Saga (yes, even the originals) is pretty bad. Come with me, my padawan, as we journey through the internal chronology to discover the poopiness of the Force!

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
• “The taxation of trade routes to the outlying star systems is in dispute.” Zzzzzzzzz…
• The immaculately-conceived (!!!) young Anakin doesn’t seem overly concerned about leaving his slave-Mom behind on Tatooine, typical of the stilted relationships in these films.
• Boy, Jedi sure have bad hair.
• The discomfiting Watto may not have been intentionally designed as an anti-Semitic stereotype, but he sure comes off as such.
• And of course, Jar-Jar Binks. A CGI personification of George Lucas’ isolation in a universe of Yes-Men (nobody suggested to him this character was a bad idea?), JJ isn’t funny or endearing, he’s annoying (and yes, offensive) enough to make C-3PO seem bearable.

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
• Enter the immensely dislikable teen Anakin, whose saving grace is that he sounds like Christopher Walken (imagine if Lucas had Walken re-dub James Earl Jones’ dialogue as Vader!).
• The love scenes between Anakin and Padme are cheesier than any romance novel.
• The term, “younglings” is introduced, presumably to make their extermination in the next film a bit more semantically palpable than “Anakin killed all the baby Jedi!”
• Is Palpatine’s secret identity of Darth Sidious really supposed to be a mystery?
• Despite a valiant attempt on the FX crew to make the light saber duel between Yoda and Count Dooku not look silly…. It looks really silly.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
• The opening battle over Coruscant is endemic of Lucas’ compulsive drive to fill every frame with sensory overload: too many ships, too many droids, too many explosions, too much music. Make head hurt.
• R2-D2 uses a cell phone?
• More shmoopy dialogue between Anakin and Padme. “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo, so long ago when there was nothing but our love!” These characters are as inherently annoying as the homecoming queen and her angry jock boyfriend, a regime that happily never lasts.
• Ultimately, the obviously manic-depressive Anakin is willing to go to the Dark Side because of little more than a bad dream. If they’d have had anti-depressants a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, this whole mess could’ve been avoided.
• As always, the climax is amazingly unsatisfying. A perfunctory, mostly dialogue-free montage gives exposition and ties up loose ends (“Have the protocol droid’s mind wiped.”), setting the stage for Episode IV, but there’s no heft. The final shot should’ve been Vader and the Emperor looking at the Death Star construction and gloating over the destruction of the Jedi. Instead we get Owen and Beru looking at the sunset. Sunsets. Suns-set? Whatever.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE
• Luke Skywalker: The whiniest hero in pop culture history (he is his father’s son).
• I’m sorry, but Darth Vader… is silly looking. With his little silver button nose, chicken wire respirator, chest control panel (why didn’t anyone ever just throw a rock at this thing and end his evil reign?) and a belt that evokes a cell-clip-wearing uncle, he makes me chuckle.
• Greedo shoots first. Sheesh.
• They couldn’t squeeze in one minute for Princess Leia to mourn her entire PLANET after the Death Star destroys Alderaan? No, “We have no time for our sorrows.” Besides, our screenwriter is inept at conveying human emotion!
• As part of the complete continuity, the film suffers from Obi-Wan’s seeming senility. Despite saving Luke from the Sand People (by waving his arms and shouting?), Kenobi doesn’t seem like he’s been spending the past 20 years watching over the titular New Hope. Obi-Wan doesn’t even seem to remember his Jedi name!
• Oboy, a Leni Riefenstahl homage as climax!

EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
• The stop motion Tauntauns look like something Hermey the Elf would ride.
• Luke and Leia’s smooch is creepy even without knowing they’re siblings (when is George gonna digitally erase that saliva string?).
• Apparently, Jango Fett was the worst shot in the galaxy, as the stormtroopers (assuming they’re clones of the bounty hunter) couldn’t hit the side of a Sandcrawler.
• More retcon problems: Why doesn’t R2-D2 recognize Yoda? Why does Yoda have to tell Obi-Wan “there is another?” And since Palpatine told Vader that he’d killed the pregnant Padme, when did Darth discover he had a son?

EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
• The muppet-like aliens are comically unbelievable. Jabba’s Gamorrean guards seem as threatening as the Great Gonzo. The Sarlacc looks straight outta “Little Shop of Horrors.”
• Artoo’s circular saw extension is as ludicrous as Bat-Shark-Repellant.
• More awkwardly scripted drama: “Luke, you have a sister.” “No shit. Bet it’s Leia.” I’m paraphrasing, but this important plot point is revealed with no impact whatsoever.
• Ewoks suck. Also, Endor’s primitive forest world is a very unspectacular setting for the climax of a series that’s called “STAR Wars.”
• Why does every single episode end with people just kinda standing around? There’s not one good final line in any one of these movies, which speaks volumes about the lack of importance placed on dialogue.

Okay, I grant that some of these beefs are more with the state of technology than anything else, and I could forgive the muppet-esque aliens if everything surrounding them didn't likewise feel as fleshed out as an episode of SESAME STREET. I also realize that so-called “Expanded Universe” stories in other media have filled in some of these blanks and even fleshed out the cardboard characterizations, but the movies need to stand on their own. And, with the possible exception of ESB, they don’t.

Still, Lucas acolytes worship the series with a forgiving, religious fervor that frankly baffles me. I realize that writing this piece may put a bounty on my head. I hope they send Bossk. He’s funny.
_________________________________________________

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED in GEEK MONTHLY #4, May 2007

Makin' a List of the 10 Best Cinematic Santas!

Paul Giamatti has played some distinctive parts in his film career, from Andy Kaufman’s comic accomplice Bob Zmuda in “Man on the Moon” to curmudgeonly cartoonist Harvey Pekar in “American Splendor” and the simian Limbo in “Planet of the Apes.” But in “Fred Claus,” Paul gets to step into the red pants of one of the most iconic characters in culture: Santa Claus. As the holiday season begins to rev up, we thought we’d stuff a stocking with our ten favorite movie Santas!

10) Ed Asner in “Elf” (2003)

The idea of a gruff Santa is nothing new (most of the classic Rankin/Bass TV specials featured a crusty Kringle), but there’s something particularly amusing in casting Lou Grant as the man in red. Ed Asner (who also voiced Santa in the animated TV special, “Olive the Other Reindeer”) has a world-weariness to him in Jon Favreau’s retro Xmas tale. When he warns human elf Buddy (Will Ferrell) of the perils of civilization (gum on the street is not free candy), you get the feeling that while he’s not about to give up the job, Santa’s just about had it with us silly mortals. And who can blame him? Barely any of us believe anymore (betcha Ted Baxter does).

9) Oliver MacGreevey in “Tales from the Crypt” (1972)
Still, Asner’s Santa isn’t likely to chop up anyone with an axe. The same can’t be said of the deranged Claus from the 1972 anthology adaptation of the classic 1950s EC horror comics. In “All Through the House,” Joan Collins plays a desperate housewife who kills her hubby with a fireplace poker on Christmas Eve, but finds that she can’t dispose of the body due to an escaped homicidal maniac in a Santa suit hanging around outside. This was the beginning of a whole slew of slasher Santa flicks, from the “Silent Night, Deadly Night” series through 2005’s “Santa’s Slay,” and while it’s a genre we don’t love, this first entrant is enough to give even Cindy Lou Who the willies.

8) Jeff Gillen in “A Christmas Story” (1983)

The exasperated tapioca-loathing department store Santa is a mere cameo in the Bob Clark adaptation of Jean Shepherd’s classic Christmas memoir, but it’s indelible. As seen through the terrified eyes of the kids overwhelmed by the garish plastic North Pole and pressured to hurry with their gift requests by surly teenagers in elf costumes, Santa is far from jolly. He’s a bellicose, intimidating red monster who sends screaming tots down a plastic slide to holiday hell after crushing their dreams! Ho oh No!

7) Unknown in “The Night Before Christmas” (1905)
This silent Edison short was the first screen adaptation of Clement Moore’s classic poem, featuring a Santa who, despite wearing a polka-dot coat and mismatched pants, is a fully-realized image of the icon. While the name of the actor in the Santa suit has been lost to time, the film (by director Edwin S. Porter) is unforgettable, with its then-revolutionary cross-cutting between two stories (Santa preparing for his journey and a family readying for bed) and simple, yet mesmerizing miniature effects.

6) James Cosmo in “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” (2005)
In 2005’s adaptation of the C.S. Lewis tale, Father Christmas is an arms provider to the Pevensie kids, giving them weapons to aid in their struggle against the evil White Witch. This Santa’s a brown-clad, earthy, slightly foreboding guy (he initially scares the bejeezus out of the wardrobe-travelers), definitely the most butt-kickin’ Santa on our list. Except for maybe…

5) Billy Bob Thornton in “Bad Santa” (2003)

One can only imagine the catharsis this film holds for anyone who’s ever had to don a Santa Suit and endure the mewling queues of avaricious children crawling all over them. As the thief who, with the aid of his elf accomplice, uses Santa jobs to gain access to department stores in order to rob them, Billy Bob Thornton is gloriously profane, a drunken slice of pure id with no self-control or shame. That is, until a pathetic kid named Thurman Merman teaches him that it sucks to be a selfish a-hole. Hey, we’re just using Santa’s vernacular!

4) Professor Grampy in “Christmas Comes But Once a Year” (1936)
The revolutionary Fleischer Studios produced this charming short using their “tabletop technique,” in which animated cels lay over actual 3D sets. One Christmas morning, a traveling inventor named Professor Grampy comes across an orphanage too poor to afford decent presents for the kids. So The resourceful Grampy utilizes items from the kitchen to create toys: a washboard is turned into a sled, a frying pan becomes a banjo, a percolator and tea set becomes a toy train. Grampy then fashions a Santa suit for himself and bestows the goodies on the thrilled tots. The cartoon ends with a singalong in front of a rotating tree (made from nesting green umbrellas stuck on a victrola) that elicits “oohs” to this day. But we have to wonder… where the heck is the orphanage staff in this thing?

3) Jack Skellington (Chris Sarandon) in “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993)
We’re choosing Halloweentown’s Pumpkin King’s imitation of Santa over the genuine article in Tim Burton and Henry Selick’s stop motion holiday crossover tale because, let’s face it, he brings a fresh perspective to Christmas. Who wouldn’t prefer a shrunken head to a pair of socks? Jack may find the bright, joyful shiny Christmas to be exciting, but he still can’t let go of his Goth roots, which is why he many consider him to be the only cool Santa on this list.

2) José Elias Moreno in “Santa Claus” (1959)

Oh, how we love this oddball Mexican film pitting Santa Claus against a mischievous devil named Pitch, out to ruin the holiday. The movie presents Santa as a sort of outer space overlord, with children from around the world replacing the typical elves as his slave labor, keeping tabs on boys and girls with Dali-esque spy devices. Santa rides his terrifying robotic reindeer to Mexico where he does slapstick battle with Pitch, rewards a poor little girl with a giant doll and drugs some wealthy, but neglectful parents with a mickey that readjusts their priorities. Truly, magically, wonderfully bizarre.

1) Edmund Gwenn in “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947)
Choosing anyone else would be ridiculous. While some dismiss this holiday classic as saccharine-pap, it’s actually a sometimes-dark film, portraying humankind as often petty, selfish, narrow-minded and cynical. Gwenn plays a harmless mental patient who believes he’s really Kris Kringle, and winds up working the red suit for Macy’s when their Santa proves too soused to Ho-Ho-Ho. Kris’ insistence that he’s the genuine article (and refusal to compromise Santa’s integrity) creates difficulties for the angry in-store shrink, Mr. Macy and the cynical woman who hired him. But when a resourceful young lawyer proves in court that Santa exists, all cynicism melts away. The film works due primarily to the amazing performance of Gwenn, whose charming mixture of humor, wonder, compassion, intelligence and even strength makes him eminently believable to everyone, both onscreen and in the audience. Simply stated, the perfect Santa.

Naturally, everyone has his or her own idea of what Santa Claus should be like. Maybe for you, it’s Jim Carrey in Grinch makeup, John Call conquering Martians or (yikes) Tim Allen in a fat suit. But it’s a safe bet that no movie Santa Claus will ever measure up to Dad in a bad rented costume.
_______________________________________________________________________
ORIGINALLY POSTED in REWIND on MTV.COM, November 2007 (the final installment!)